extracted from text document written whilst on mild psychosis
i am intensely self aware of my own self-awareness. it is a horrible experience. i can not think of anything except my own sense of self awareness. the tv is on but i cant focus on it at all. the words come in but i can barely understand their meaning. someone says or does something on the tv and i can hear the words clearing but not comprehend or barely comprehend. my wife knows how much i love her, he says. i cannot recall wor figure out what that, or any other sentence , means. i am well aware of myself eating food, but there is not a connecting link between that and my mind.
it is the intense self conciousness of my own self consciousness. the inner mind. or the outer mind?
i will go back to trying to watch the tv. i think it helps because if i can focus on it then it will make me stop obsessing with the fact that which rests behind my eyes..
(brought on by cannabis type. possibly experienced during previous hbw trip? i will not try to recall that precise feeling/mental condition right now because it could fuck me up far worse than this.
body is doing what i tell it to..
it fetched a sweet from my sweet pot thing. (the fingers are typing as i dictate - exactly the same time as i dictate).
what a woeful experience this is. i will go back to the tv.
it really is the inner voice?
why do i feel like im meeting it for the first time?????
perhaps it is the isolation, or perhaps the abundance of others in my life now that have caused me to notice that the inner self is very different between us. people THINK differently. some are laid back and playful, some are spiteful, some unruly, some complete naggers, some who are deceptive and some more easily annoyed than some others.....
but none that is the same as me.
now why am i reacting so harshly to this concept? it is as old as i am. it must have been spoken about dozens of times. do i have some sort of fear of being a self aware individual to others of varying personalities, personalities that vary from his own.
my mind just referred to my body as if it separate from it, like it can issue a command to make it work.
hey - come to think of it this sensation is similar to when i took hbd after all...! now THAT was a terrifying experience. mainly because i had no outlet for it (as i do now, typing).
i suppose if you DO obsess over your sense of self awareness, it WOULD make you feel as if your self-awareness is somehow separated from your body.
i look at my sweet from the pot and think "ah wow, thats a nice sweet". then i rememeber thinking about thinking "ah wow thats a nice sweet". then i remember thinking "i should right down that i was thinking about thinking about saying "ah wow thats a nice sweet", which is what was said to trigger this whole endless mess of constant streams of thought. like a constant inner dialogue , like the writing from a book when you read the words as fast as you would say them. and in english. and now i wonder, in what accent.... what does my inner voice sound like?
wow! when i think to say "in what voice?", my body said "in what voice?"
i didnt think about getting a sweet out of the pot just then...i just sort of did it. im glad i use the word "did" because i think i usually SAY the word "done" which iirc is incorrect. just thought that its been a long time since i wrote "iirc". thinking about thinking about thinking that now. etc ....
pshychosis is a funny thing. i wonder if i can spell it...
(i thought i misspelt "wonder" and corrected myself twice. (i think that was a good phrase)".
better put the tv on again. (is at least managing to find the sheer peculiarity of this sensation a little amusing.) ouch sort of bit my tounge a little bit.
i dont know why im writing / thinking these things. its nuts.
i think this is the sensation i get after i drink heavily - the next afternoon i get feelings of extreme anxiety and self aware-ness and overactive thinking.
except i am not feeling anxious right now.
cannabis has never had this affect on me before. hmm so it must be a psychotic/state of mind thing. i got this sensation first from dph, but on that the FORM of that sensation was different. i could describe THAT as "displacement from reality" - as if time was stopping and starting, or had fractures in it; as if you might do something then realise you had done it several seconds later, and NOTICE this realisation (-this might be unfinished sentence in some way - i found it difficult to concentrate on and got distracted...by myself...by my own mind).
lets put it this way. other people i think usually think the way of "oh, look at that!". whereas i am perhaps thinking "oh, look at that!", and then thinking "hey, i just thought "oh look at that"".
wow, its intense. anyway, gonna end it soon (by focusing on tv or anime). not sure who ill send it to. maybe TL, good idea. yeh, that was a good idea, i think, and then type here, after thinking about typing it here.
why am i troubled by this concept? why am i distressed by it? and in what mental state must i be in for meer weed to bring it upon me?
I was gona say, before you logged off: that i think even though i can relate--perhaps more lucidly than you can believe, in as much as each sentence is relatable to me including all its oddities-- that perhaps we SHOULD NOT relate to it, as well as for you to stop some creating it, and that perhaps by relating to is only serving to further great a gap between us and the social or psychological norm WHICH would by some form of intuition suggest that we are coming closer to some form of clandestine truth, via an arcane method, or through specifically these philosophical soliloquy's, but i assert that the exploratory nature of the intention of these muses to solve a problem, that is it really in fact like the weed that fails to get its roots ripped from the ground, it solves nothing. that is to say that given the nature of these philosophical solilquoys, there is much room for misdirection, and in some cases no apparent direction at all, even though--and this is the important point--intuition may make it SEEM like it is going somewhere. now that is not to deny any of the truths that the musings may be reflecting, only to say, the exploratory and free flow of these musings have a flaw as much as they have some apparent strength, specifically from the ontological perspective that you have taken: with the study of your consciousness. and as deeply and as authentic these truths may seem, may only serve as a way to separate you from the already widened gap of the psychoanalytical norm, which i then perhaps leap to suggest, even more LONELINESS: something that seems to be the major theme in the current chapter of my life; to which i am well traveled in its labyrinths.
CLIFFNOTES: be specific, fight the exciting lure of the mysterious chaos, it is an exploration into deep space that goes nowhere imo but only worsens some other problems. i propose we work on a new solution, with a new method. but w/e man, do what you want, we could make something beautiful should you accept my offer.
im sure i responded to this. i basically said that you dont / cant relate to the subject yet since you haven't read the texts (and also the subject and exploration IS very useful , not only do i feel better for it, ive also been able to put it into use to explore other things (and come up with some resolutions)
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